Closing down and starting fresh

We were informed this month that our adoption agency is closing down and our account will be transferred over to another agency. We were highly apprehensive of this at first, we shopped other agencies, but ultimately decided to tough it out. As of January 1st we will be clients of Christian family adoptions.


On a HUGE and much more positive note, we have been selected to be part of our first adoption committee. For those of you unfamiliar with this process I will briefly explain. We get bulletins of the waiting children, read through bulletins, submit on who you think would be a good fit, wait months and months, maybe hear back from the agency maybe not =) until one day the phone rings and it's your husband saying"Guess what? We've been selected to go to committee on M & R." I proceed to sit silently for a few seconds, John asks if I'm there and then I blurt out a million Shut ups! Shut the f up and Nu uh, No way, Really? My heart beating so fast, I finally settle in to it long enough to begin giggling and ask how he's feeling. "Committee" is a panel of people who select the adoptive parents. I picture it being much like People's court. The committee members up front, raised up above everyone else. Our caseworker down below trying to convince them we are the best choice, the other caseworkers doing the same for their clients. Foster parents, therapists, CASAs, and family members testifying as to who they connected with best over the phone and who they want to see win this case. 3 families are selected and our caseworkers in essence "compete" for us in committee....may the best family win!

I've talked to our therapist and pediatrician, the girl's foster mom and case worker, the only one left to talk to is the girl's therapist. So far I'm feeling really confident all the conversations went smoothly. The case worker did say this would be a "tough" committee, but I know we've got this! Our committee date would be set for some time in January. As soon I hear anything I'll let you know.

Tidbit of news

We received a call from the agency yesterday saying that we can enroll into the special needs infant program in conjunction with the state adoption. We have to attend a class on how to parent medically fragile infants as well as watch a training DVD from the agency. That's at least one more step in the right direction. On a side note: I will be trick-or-treating and filling a stocking for someone other than my husband next holiday season!

AHHHHH!!!

I'm so annoyed and frustrated with our agency right now. I can not believe that after leaving numerous messages our agency rep can not find the time to call us back.....even when it means there is more money in it for them (which I'm positive they do not deserve)

2 months and 28 days later

I just realized how long it's been since I've logged on and written. Weight Watchers is still going strong, I'm down 20 and I think John is down 35 or so. This past week has been a challenge and I think we each gained a few pounds back. Time to re motivate! After tomorrow that is, as I do have to finish off the rest of that sweet sweet delicious Halloween candy. No news on the adoption front, yet another few months have passed with out any apparent progress. We have a few calls in to the agency to find out about enrolling in the special needs infant program along with being in the state program. (In)Fertility treatment is clipping along. Have a specialist assigned, ran a few preliminary tests, have to loose 20 more pounds by January, and then the bring on the drugs.

New focus

To keep my mind off of adoption, is that possible, and prepare for parenting John and I have decided that it's time to get a little healthier. He's been feeling blah for a while now and my epiphany came while I was watching Dance your ass off, pint of Ben and Jerry's in hand, and realized that the people on the show weigh less than I do! So, we're on day 2 and so far so good. We've gotten up an hour early and walked together before John leaves for work, had grilled veggies for dinner last night, weighed out and counted John's food for lunch. Overall I think it's going ok. I'm home during the day so it requires slightly more self discipline not to snack all day. Wish me luck. My cousin told me we would be great parents because we are young at heart. And as I told her this young at heart mama can't run fast or far anymore let alone keep up with a toddler. Time to work my ass off, literally.

Round 2

We submitted on a little girl Saturday night/Sunday morning (Father's day) Will be at least 30 days before we hear anything since her bulletin was just posted on the 19th of June. We're just waiting and hoping, nothing else we can do. In the mean time I've been doing a little kid room shopping. I'm trying to stick to gender/age neutral items. I ordered the Catalina book rack from Pottery Barn Kids, it arrived today and I LOVE it. John is going to hang it Thursday, can't wait to see how it looks in the room.

Tanyia and Troy have a date for their committee set. On July 16th they find out if they are selected or not. It's nice to have them go through part of this first so we can get a feel for how this piece of the process works. Plus, bonus, I get to do a little nesting at someone else's house...and spend someone else's money on all the cute kid stuff. I'm sure John's thankful.

365 days

So today it's been one year. I'm doing better than I had anticipated. I fully expected to be curled up in bed, box of tissue in one hand, and a pint of Ben and Jerry's in the other in the throws of a day long ugly cry. Instead I got up with John, picked up a little around the house, did some laundry, called the cleaning lady to schedule her in, packed up lunch and am meeting John and Deb at the office. *Change of plans John just called and Deb is taking us out for lunch* even better! Over all feeling much better about things today than yesterday. Must have ran the well dry with all my frustrated tears yesterday.

364 days

In the last week our best friends were selected to go to committee on an almost 3 year old little boy. I'm feeling....well....hmm....unsettled. I'm happy and excited for them, sad and frustrated for us and overall the word unsettled is all I can find to describe my current state. We have not found any children in over 2 months that we want to submit on. Come on delinquent parents, hurry up and screw up already so I can get my child! Kind of harsh I suppose, but seriously let's get on with this.

Tomorrow marks the official one year anniversary of the day we applied to adopt. We were told to expect between one to two years and here we are at the one year point and still waiting. Normal I guess, but it doesn't feel that way.

The VERY first thing Deb and Mike told us was that the true waiting begins after the home study is completed and you submit on those first kids. Yikes! They were right. Everything they told us that would happen and that we would feel has come to fruition.

1.Waiting will be excruciating-check
2.We will argue-check
3.We will question our choices-check
4.We will love each other through this-check
5.We will grow closer-check check

Let's see how tomorrow goes...

News

Apparently no news isn't always good news. We found out last week that we were not selected for any of the children that we submitted our home study on. Keep waiting....

2 in a row

Who's a good blogger? I am. I'm here two days in a row, shocking I know. I have lofty goals for myself today...
1. Make breakfast
2. Clean the cat box
3. Take a shower
Jealous? I would be.

I spent yesterday wandering around downtown trying to get a feel for things. I'm happy that I moved here, in fact wouldn't trade my decision for anything. However, I'm still not feeling at home in this town. Need to find activities, try new things, find my niche here. I know I can not possibly be the only vegetarian, picture taking, great food loving, documentary watching girl in this town. Where are you people at? New goals for today...
4. Talk to 3 new people
5. Find one cool activity/event
6. Enjoy

Big blog slacker

So my goal was to journal my way through this process write a little ditty every day, throw in some witty humor, give you great insight in to my mind and my thoughts, but here I sit one great big blog SLACKER.

How's the adoption you ask? I have no F$@^!* % idea. I know that feeling frustrated and waiting is all part of what I signed up for, but come on seriously this is ridiculous.We submitted on our first bulletins 7 weeks ago, let me say that again....7 weeks and no news. Oh, but wait, I did get a bill from them to pay the remaining balance. At least their doing something in that office.

Where do I start?

I guess I'll start in the most obvious place...the beginning. This journey truly began the weekend I met John as we sat on a rickety bench alongside Tillamook bay and I posed the question "How do you feel about adoption?" He answered something like "All for it". That seems to be the safest answer to give to the crazy girl bringing up adopting your future children a mere 24 hours after you've been introduced. 2 months later we were engaged, 2 months after that we were married, and 4 months post wedding we had applied to become adoptive parents.

We decided to apply to adopt over Memorial weekend while on a camping trip with our best friends Troy and Tanyia. By the following week we had filled out the application packet and on June 11, 2008 we held that thick manilla envelope in both our hands and dropped it in the mail slot.

We've been waiting 11 months now, and with no apparent end in site I sit here patiently and begin to write my story. My hope is that I can put these thoughts down in writing and get them out of my head. Thoughts of frustration and joy, thoughts like Is it ok to be excited about what we are gaining knowing that this is a loss for our child? Thoughts of good times to come, memories to be made, and tears to be shed. And even the ocassional thoughts of what the hell am I doing, am I ready to be a MOM?

I hope to use this as a place to share the truth of what's going on inside my mind, the good, the bad, the sad, the days of feeling lost in this process. My place of peace.