Where do I start?

I guess I'll start in the most obvious place...the beginning. This journey truly began the weekend I met John as we sat on a rickety bench alongside Tillamook bay and I posed the question "How do you feel about adoption?" He answered something like "All for it". That seems to be the safest answer to give to the crazy girl bringing up adopting your future children a mere 24 hours after you've been introduced. 2 months later we were engaged, 2 months after that we were married, and 4 months post wedding we had applied to become adoptive parents.

We decided to apply to adopt over Memorial weekend while on a camping trip with our best friends Troy and Tanyia. By the following week we had filled out the application packet and on June 11, 2008 we held that thick manilla envelope in both our hands and dropped it in the mail slot.

We've been waiting 11 months now, and with no apparent end in site I sit here patiently and begin to write my story. My hope is that I can put these thoughts down in writing and get them out of my head. Thoughts of frustration and joy, thoughts like Is it ok to be excited about what we are gaining knowing that this is a loss for our child? Thoughts of good times to come, memories to be made, and tears to be shed. And even the ocassional thoughts of what the hell am I doing, am I ready to be a MOM?

I hope to use this as a place to share the truth of what's going on inside my mind, the good, the bad, the sad, the days of feeling lost in this process. My place of peace.